Loss in all its Forms

Loss is a wandering, indecisive creature. It does not set route for or reach a final destination. Instead, it walks alongside you. Sometimes close, sometimes from afar. Sometimes it’s almost undetectable and other times it’s a giant roadblock. Loss can warn and prepare you for difficult terrain ahead. And other times it can cling onto you and make your journey harder. It is not a simple thing. Loss is complex, painful and inevitable luggage we all carry through life. If we are all destined to experience some degree of loss in our lives, why is it so difficult to process and co-exist with?

Because humans are fixers by nature. When a problem arises we solve it – or try our best to. We struggle so much to comprehend loss because we cannot find a solution for it. Our minds can shift into overdrive trying to right the wrong. But we can’t fix loss. We have a problem-solving system but we don’t have a loss system. We are innately equipped for solving problems, not for loss.

Loss brings about change – another thing we struggle with. Loss and change are inevitably connected; they can never be separated. When we experience loss, we have lost someone or something. When we lose a person, a place, a pet, or way of life… it encompasses change. When this happens we perceive and respond to the world differently. Things that were unnoticed before, are now in sharp focus. Things that mattered before, may matter more or less. As creatures of habit, whatever change loss brings is incredibly difficult. Some collapse into grief with a natural rhythm whilst others fight it off with distractions. Both require great strength. Neither escape the experience of loss.

There is no correct response to loss. If a thousand people experienced a loss of the same person, each person’s experience of the loss would be different. This is because every individual’s relationship with someone or something is entirely unique. An entire family may move countries, each family member will have a different experience with the loss of their home country. Two siblings may lose a loved one, yet their experience of loss will be unique to one another’s. This is why you cannot judge or understand another’s loss. It’s also why you cannot compare your own experience of loss with others. Every thought, feeling and response to loss is okay. Your mind may go to some very unexpected places after loss, it’s okay. You might behave in a way you haven’t before, it’s okay. Nothing is wrong, bad, deplorable.

Loss can also give. It can bring with it connection. There is something uniquely special about a collection of people carrying a collection of memories with them as they move forward. It brings into focus the notion that someone or something lost is never gone, only changed in its earthly form. The family who moved overseas can connect over memories and experiences of their home country. The siblings who lost a loved one can grow closer and learn about one another through the exchange and reminiscing of memories. Although your loss may never leave you, you do not have to sacrifice your happiness in exchange for grief, you have capacity to experience both when you need to.  

There is a small semblance of beauty in loss, it’s love. Loss is the ultimate cost of love. To experience a loss and the pain it brings means that you have experienced love. The pain of loss stems from love and leads to change. Loss, change and love are all a part of the inevitable human experience. Loss is the vivid proof of love.