The Perils of People Pleasing
Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you are agreeing to do something for someone while your inner voice is crying out ‘I don’t want to do that!’ or ‘I’m feeling overwhelmed as it is, I don’t have time for that –what am I doing!??’ I think all of us could answer ‘YES’ to this at some time or another, but if you are experiencing this frequently, it could be useful to take a closer look at WHY this is happening for you.
I am a recovering People Pleaser. I have always been a sucker for saying ‘YES’. I used to think that being kind, always helpful and agreeable was my gateway to feeling useful, loved and accepted. After years of reflecting on this, I realised that I was actually depending on other people to measure my self-worth by the things I did for them, rather than for the person I am. I would dance around other people’s difficult behaviours, no matter how uncomfortable I felt about it, believing that if I was NICE enough, or did enough for them, that they would behave in a better way.
There are times where I have lived my life doing anything to avoid any situation that might make me look like a difficult, imperfect, or unlikeable person. There are times I have not been at all true to myself and my own values for fear of upsetting other people.
After many years, I found that my people pleasing wasn’t making me feel good at all, it was leading to me to feel disrespected, frustrated, used and exhausted! It was at this time that I started going to counselling to work through this.
Through this work I found that I was carrying a belief that I had to be agreeable and helpful to have value and worth.
As a child I was given many responsibilities around caring for others eg. younger siblings, cousins, friends, parents. This created a ‘role’ for me in life that I subconsciously looked for as an adult. I would be that person who would always say yes to doing things for others in the hope that it would ‘fill my cup’, but when it kept leaving me feeling depleted and resentful I knew there was something deeper happening for me. I did not feel worthy and the real reason for my people pleasing was that I was terrified of rejection.
My self-worth was completely dependent on other people and I wanted to change that.
WITH THE HELP OF MY COUNSELLOR I HAVE LEARNT THAT:
1. SAYING NO DOESN'T MEAN YOU'RE A BAD PERSON.
As children, we sometimes learn that it is inappropriate to say no, particularly to elders eg. Parents, teachers, authority figures. So we take on a belief that saying no is ‘bad’. As adults it’s important that we are aware of the messages we may have received growing up (not as a way to blame others, but to be aware of why we behave the way we do), and regain our right to say NO when we want to.
2. IT’S GOOD TO KNOW YOUR VALUE
YOU are unique, valuable and important. If you depend on other people’s approval, what you may be believing is ‘their opinion of me is more important than my opinion about myself.’ It’s important that your sense of self-worth comes from within, not from the opinion of others.
3. IT’S OK TO PUT YOURSELF FIRST
Understanding what you are and aren’t responsible for is important. Setting boundaries and learning to be assertive are great ways to honour yourself. Taking on the burden of other’s expectations, responsibilities, and judgements isn’t only detrimental to you, it doesn’t allow other people to take responsibility for their own behaviour.
4. IT’S OK TO GET SUPPORT
Part of people pleasing is helping others and never looking for help for yourself. If you would like to regain your sense of self-worth, learn how to set healthy boundaries and feel ok about saying ‘no’ when you want to, it’s OK to ask for help. Talking to the right friends or mentors can help, and seeing a Counsellor can be a great way to find your way back to yourself.
You deserve to take time for yourself. You deserve to talk about yourself and those things that might be holding you back or feel like they are burdening you in some way. Sometimes we need some help coming up with the answers and strategies to get to where we want to be and that is OK. It all starts with believing that you are worthy…..and YOU are!!! Be kind to yourself.
Now I am better at saying YES when I really want to and I bring genuine energy and connection when I do that. I still sometimes fall into old patterns, but now I give myself permission to change my mind if I’ve said yes but am feeling overwhelmed……and the funny thing is, the world keeps turning……and life goes on.
If you would like to access the free counselling service at The Centre For Women & Co. please call on 3050 3060.